Hump Day with Mets Mike: The All Brawl Squad

Welcome to the first edition of Hump Day with Mets Mike. It will be a weekly (or bi-weekly if I’m working or have a hot date on a Wednesday. Ok fine, bloggers don’t date, but I might rent Hellboy or something) series of the best baseball related musings in the galaxy. Let’s start this off with a bang! And a punch! And a kick to the nuts! Here is the all time team that I would field had I super GM powers, because my team would not be measured in wins and losses, but in blood collected, and families torn apart, because I want to assemble the all brawl squad.

Pitching Staff

  • Juan Marichal- He is a weapons expert and can wield a bat like none other.

  • Julio Castillo- This charming gentleman and bringer of all things doom was the minor leaguer who threw a fastball in a brawl but hit a fan instead. On my team that type of projectile intimidation is worth a fan getting their clocked clean. He’s a keeper.

  • Pedro Martinez- To fend off all the old guys who may or may not be in the brawl.

  • Nolan Ryan- To give super death grip brainlocks (aka headlocks) and fist smashes to the dome of any whipper snapper wuss who charges him, whether he is named after the only gay superhero sidekick or not.

  • Randy Johnson- If I’m in a fight, I want the 7 foot tall grimacing prehistoric bird lookin dude on my team. He also destroys modern birds with his pitch at will, for they are his enemies. This makes the squad good in fights against man AND beast.

Relievers

  • Riddick Bowe- Ridiculous low blows
  • Ron Artest- In case fans get hyphy
  • The Green Mile mice healer guy- dude’s BIG yo!
  • Hellboy- I like both Hellboy movies a great deal.

Note: All games will be ended before relievers enter, as my starters will provoke the melees, meaning I only need serious fighters and crazies to join the frenzy at that point.

1st Base- Mo Vaughn- He will immobilize people by sitting on them. This can be done to at least 5 but no more than 8 grown men at one time.

2nd Base- Roberto Alomar- To straight up spit at people. We do thangs dirty on my squad and we spit hot fiyah.

Shortstop- Hanley Ramirez- Sucks to say as a Met fan, but he does everything else good so I bet he fights good too. Stupid Marlin jerk.

3rd Base- A-Rod, his glove side slap is stuff of legend.

LF- Barry Bonds- Head butts.

CF- Ty Cobb- With the wussy climate of the MLB today, he would be so insanely filled with rage that he would do so much damage. A prick like that is “good” for a team of idiots like this.

RF- Kevin Mitchell- I know he was a Left Fielder, but this list needed more Met blood, and Kevin Mitchell was the man. Plain and simple, he beat up whomever he wanted whenever he wanted, including Daryl Strawberry. Look up my previous post reviewing The Bad Guys Won by Jeff Pearlman for that awesomely violent anecdote.

C- AJ Pierzynski- He will be the decoy, since everyone hates him and will try to focus on destroying him first. This will lead the oppositions attention away from the rest of my Goons and be very costly. This is a strategic selection, as this one jerk's face will have to be sacrificed to put my brawlers in a better fighting position.

Bench

  • Izzy Alcantra- The master of the pre-emptive strike

Y’all want it with my team? Doubt it. Did I miss somebody vicious who should take sissy A-Rod or Hanley’s spot? Probably. But did I mention I’m the manager and I will also be taking part in the brawl? Real Talk. That puts this team over the top as fight squad of the millennium.

See you next week on Hump Day with Mets Mike. BEAT THE LAME ASS REDS!